rejection

myfriendTonight I rejected a friend because he rejected me first. It was catty and petty and I probably made him feel worse about it than I actually needed to, but at the time it seemed _______.

After a hectic shift at work I asked my friend and fellow server if he wanted to get a drink after we were finished. He obliged. But as I was finishing up my cleaning duties he was chatting on his phone and I heard him get directions to a party at his friend’s. I had told him earlier that he didn’t have to wait for me, I was the closer after all and the last one out, but he never said, ‘Ok, I’m not going to get a drink with you, I’m going to go to this party.’ When we were both completely done and ready to go, he still hadn’t said that he wasn’t going for a drink with me. I confronted him about it and I was surprised at how upset I actually was and how little theatrics had to do with it. We went back and forth some and he offered to go to get drink. To make amends, if you will. A pity drink, I surmised. In the end I left my friend on the sidewalk, looking bewildered and pained, as I entered a cab and was whisked away home.

Isn’t that so elementary? I think so too…and yet, I don’t. The incident caused me a pinpoint of pain that leads to a hidden valley of ______. I’m always the odd one out. All my friends have a partner or lover or even just a best friend. I don’t have that anymore. I miss the days where I had a best friend that I could hang out with every single minute of the day. I miss the days when I had a boyfriend that was always by my side. Not co-dependency, just companionship.

Tonight I just wanted to rehash the day with a good friend over a cold beer and a couple cigarettes. So simple and yet seemingly so hard to obtain.

It’s nobody’s fault that I’m ‘alone.’ (Unpartnered would be more appropriate.) The years go by and little by little people spread out and pair off, and that’s fine. I guess I always just wonder when do I get to find my buddy. That person that is there for you day or night. That knows me better than anyone. At heart, I’m a total romantic.

I go in and out of waves when I expose my loneliness to others and complain about my single status. When I’m in one such wave people ask me if I put my self out there and if I go out a lot. And I wonder, in this city, is that where I’m going to find love…a bar? A club? Are those my only options?

I want to find love in an antique bookstore with the man that reaches for the same first edition copy of Siddhartha. Or on the beach with the guy who’s frisbee knocks me out cold.

Not at badlands. Not, for crying out loud, on the Internet.

Is this all too much to ask for?

Or am I just being a little bitch?

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May 7, 2007. cattyness, Gay Gay Gay, Life, Me Me Me!, Thoughts.

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